The Toilet Gnome

The bonus posting for today.  I don't know what it will take for y'all to go on over to www.alexanderdundass.ca, but the hell with it, here is a little thing I wrote while I was collecting data once upon a time in 1998.  It is funny, but only if your mind works the way that this little piece is written. 

So the jist is that it is a series of letters between mother and son, describing a few things going on and new wonder product:  The Toilet Gnome.  It is an extension, if you will, of the classic Newfie letter home.  Enjoy all you perverted souls.  And if you like this shit, go check out my real works.

Dear son,

I hope all is well with you these days. We all really miss you now that you have gone to the big city to work and live. Remember little Suzie Brakenheimer? She was asking about you the other day so I gave her your address so she could write you. Now I know you hated her as kids, but she has really filled out if you know what I mean.

Your father is well these days, but we are having trouble with the toilet son. I am sure you remember what it was like when your father had to go to the crapper. It hasn’t changed since you moved out last week. I did notice that the company you work for had a new kind of product out to unclog the toilet. I have included the add below. If you can, please send us one, it would help out a lot.

Yours truly,
Mom.

New from the makers of the Garden Gnomes.
Ever have a stubborn clog in your toilet?
Has your shit never wanted to leave?
We have the solution for you!!!
Its called the Toilet Gnome. Its guaranteed to shovel that shit
right out of your hair. It even eliminates the need for reading
material while you are taking a dump. Get one now and try it out.
Look for it at your popular hardware store or green house.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Mom,

Sorry to hear about Dad, but you are in luck. When I signed on to the company, they gave me one for free. I have had to only use it once, but it really does work. I have packed him up and sent him to you via courier with this letter. He was not too pleased to be shipping out already, so he may be a bit foul mouthed when he gets there, but I am sure that he will adjust quite nicely.

Thanks for giving Suzy my address Mom. I haven’t seen such a nice set on a woman since my subscription to Playboy ran out two months ago. I always thought it was illegal to send nude pics through the mail Oh well. If you see her, tell her I would like some more of her, this time in black lace lingerie.

Take care.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Son,

We received the package you sent. I am sure glad you sent it courier and not by regular mail, the gnome was really grouchy. But sure enough, within a day, we had to make use of him. I tell you, I have never seen such a little man go to work. And listening to your father laugh at the gnome’s dirty jokes is a welcome relief. He fits in so well, he even rides the dog around the house.

As for Suzy, she said that she went out yesterday and bought that black lace lingerie you requested. She says she just can’t wait to send some more pics to you. You know she has been so lonely since you left. Well I need to go now, your father and the gnome are demanding their dinner.

Mom.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Mom,

Glad to hear the little guy is fitting in there at home. And the fact that he and dad get along is great. Dad hasn’t had a friend since he sat on the neighbors dog and had to have it removed surgically. You know I would love to see a pic of the gnome riding the dog. My bosses are interested in maybe using that for advertising.

Wow mom, Suzy is really hot in that black lingerie, and what she was doing with that bed post, well it blew my mind. I can’t get the vision out of my head. She has one really nice rack and that bed post fit into her just nicely. Has she been practicing? Well I should go now, I need to make supper for myself.

Take care.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear son,

Please find enclosed the pictures of the elf riding the dog. He really loves to ride him in front of the fire. The gnome says it keeps his ass warm. Your father and the gnome though had a bit of an encounter. The past day or so your father has had the runs really bad and as he usually does plug the toilet. Well the little guy was in unplugging it, singing his little song and your father had to go again. Well he didn’t even look and all over the poor little guy. Needless to say the gnome ( we call him Egbert now) shoved his shovel up your Pop’s ass and shoveled him clean. Your father was grateful ,but unfortunately cracked a joke about Egbert being a little shit head.

Suzie says hi, and she says if you thought the bed post was impressive, you wait until you see the next set of pics.

Take care and all my love,

Mom

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Mom,

Boy does the dog really like being ridden by Egbert. I never knew that a gnome could have a dick that big and could fit it in the dog. But for some reason, the company people here don’t want to use Egbert riding the dog as an ad campaign. Oh well. I hope Dad and Egbert are getting along better. I mean these gnomes are designed for such emergencies as happened.

Tell Suzie I am impressed with the pop bottle. I had no idea she could make it disappear the way she did, and to have it go in empty and come out full. Wow, she is one sexy woman.

Take care, you loving son.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Son

Thing are back to normal now. You’re dad and the gnome are best of friends again, hugging and making up before they go into the washroom. We had Suzie over for dinner the other night. Boy is she classy son. I could see you why you want her so much. Even good old Eggie took a liking to her. They got along so well, and well I just couldn’t resist joining in. She told me that she would send you the video. Its great, it was like a birthday party.

Well take care son, hear from you soon.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Mom,

That is one impressive video you sent. I thought Suzie was impressive with the bed post, but repeating it with Egbert, that was impressive. I would’ve never though that a gnome could fit in there. And you are looking better than ever, you even seem to be sagging less. I had no idea that Suzie was that kinky, but all the better for me. I took the video into work to show some of my buddies and they want more. They are even willing to pay for it. If this works out, then maybe I can come home.

Your loving son.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear son

The making money off of videos would be good, but we had a wee bit of an accident with Eggie. We were kinda hoping you could send another toilet gnome. Your father had another accident with him. He went into do his business and well Eggie got stuck up where the son don’t shine. Well you know how your father is, well he threw a fit and well sat down, inserting Eggie for the full nine yards. By the time the paramedics got poor Eggie out, it was too late. The poor little guy. Suzie was so upset and well I miss him. We gave him a fitting burial by cremating him and flushing him down the toilet. I hope you can help

your loving mother

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Mom

Sorry to hear about Egbert, but we have a problem. The company has decided to stop selling the toilet gnomes on the market and they are all being recalled. Seems they saw the video and started crying over how the product was used and how happy it made your lives. I just don’t understand why they would pull it when they were so happy at what they saw. The tears of joy were so evident. So I guess that means I have to stay here then.

Your loving son

P.S. Can you ask Suzie to send me more pics?

 

I shall avenge Eggie....